Blood and Roses
by Celestial-Dragon
Summary: Duo feels his depression has put him on the edge of death, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to pull him back. What will Heero do when Duo cuts deeper than he ever has before? [BEING RENOVATED AND RENAMED]
1. Dear Diary

Title: Blood and Roses 1/?  
  
Author: Ashurii (Jisatsu_ganbu on LJ.com aka Celestial_Dragon on FF.net)  
  
E-mail: fudgemonkey@citlink.net  
  
Rating: Erm. R, right now. *evil hentai grin*  
  
Series: Gundam Wing  
  
Pairings: 1+2, 3x4  
  
Warnings: Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst  
  
Summary: Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
Have you ever had that dark, dank, shallow feeling? That feeling of innate hoplessness and dire need for something, anything, but you just don't know what? Maybe it sneaks up on you while you're asleep; or dozing off in class; or mayble when you're alone in your room, watching the sinister shadows play against the bare walls, and realize your life is for shit and there's only one thing you can do to change it.  
  
Welcome to my life.  
  
You'd think things would be different for me, now that I have a home and am surrounded by friends, but I've learned the hard way that some things never change. Perhaps the pain will dull over the period of a few days, but it always comes back - stronger and harder than it ever was before. My mask, the face I show to everyone around me, is bruised and breaking. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. I can't even walk through the kitchen in our shared house without feeling that delicious throbbing feeling in my wrists.  
  
Oh, yes, you heard right. Duo Maxwell, Gundam Pilot and self-titled God of Death has an odd facination with seeing that red liquid flowing through his veins pouring out in torrents and oozing out into a puddle on the bathroom floor.  
  
Is that wrong? I ... I seriously don't know anymore ...  
  
What makes it worse is that they know. The whole house knows.  
  
I was making a sandwich with my sleeves rolled up several months ago, and Quatre was in the kitchen. Quatre, bless him, he's a good kid ... but he could never understand. He saw the raw marks on my forearms from the night before and gasped, came over and pulled up my arm.  
  
"Duo," he breathed, eyes wide. "What happened?" I didn't reply and he looked into my eyes. I could see the realization and turned away, pulling my arm out of his grasp. I grabbed my half finished sandwich and went back to my room. Didn't come out until the next morning.  
  
I'm sure he told everyone. I've heard them talk about me. They'll have meetings with each other, dissecting my behavior as if they were qualified to do so, and become silent once I walk in the room. It pisses me off, what right do they have to judge me? To talk about me? They don't even understand what's going on!  
  
... They don't care enough to want to know. So they all just back up and give me space. No one really talks to me anymore, but I don't care. They never cared before, why should I care now?  
  
Heero doesn't know yet. He was gone a long while, on some kind of self-righteous mission he had to go on. I'd call it a vacation, but he'd get angry with me.  
  
Heero's the only person I've ever really listened to. The only one who just might ...  
  
He says he loves me. I don't buy it. No one's ever loved me, and no one ever will. He'll come to my room and night and hold me, stroke my hair, whisper in my ear. Sometimes I lock my door from the inside so he'll leave me alone. He gives me an odd feeling I've never felt before, he makes me want to tell him what I've been doing and I can't do that. So I shut him out, literally. He gives me sad glances when I finally come out, but I just give him hollow stares in return. That's how I feel, you know. Hollow. I think I've drained too much of my blood. I doubt there could be much more left in my body.  
  
If Heero told me to stop cutting, I just might do it. Might, being the operative word. It scares me sometimes that someone could have such power over me. I guess that's another reason I shut him out, too.  
  
He kissed me yesterday.  
  
It surprised me, I wasn't expecting it at all. I was sitting in this little folding chair I found in the attic and had set up in front of the picture window in the living room. I figured If I was going to go through with it, take that last plunge and cut deeper than I ever had, I might as well have a last look at the outside world. I used to love nature, dancing in the rain and playing in the leaves, but that was a long time ago. It seems really faded, as if an eternity has passed since that point in my life. But, for all I know I could have seen these scenes in a movie and just super-imposed myself into them for lack of happy memories.  
  
I don't know. I just don't know any more.  
  
Anyway, I was just sitting there, minding myself and thinking silently like I always do, when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I couldn't move it; I felt too weak, so I just let him set it there. I heard him call my name but it sounded distant. I ignored him, just kept looking out that window. He bent down and I could feel his breath on my neck. He whispered my name again and I shivered. How can he do that to me, make me feel so strange, so good and so bad at the same time? I felt his lips against my neck and my eyelids fluttered, my brain desperately trying to keep up with this new change of pace. His hand snaked up my thigh and onto my lap to entwine with one of my own. He caressed my fingers with his thumb as he kissed me again, and I think I might have smiled. He was saying something to me between these gentle kisses, but I couldn't make out what it was. Everything was still too distant sounding for me to understand. He moved to make soft kisses against my jaw, whispering things between each kiss as he moved closer to my lips. My heart pounded and my body felt like it was tingling.  
  
I couldn't help wondering what was going on. What was he doing to me? It felt ... good. For the first time in my life something other than that flashing, razor-sharp blade was making me feel good.  
  
He turned my face towards his with his fingers, and he looked at me with sadness in his beautiful blue eyes. He whispered something else to me, and I tried to read his lips but I couldn't. Still too far away to hear. He leaned in so our noses were touching and I became terrified. Of what, I have no idea, but I must have said something because his expression changed to one tinged with pain. He looked as if someone had slapped him, and the crazy thing was ... I wasn't even sure If I hadn't. His gaze dropped to the floor, then slowly reaturned back up to me. He cupped my face in his hands, they were warm and felt nice against my cold skin. Then he leaned forward and pressed his soft lips to mine, in a warm, chaste kiss. He licked at my lips with the tip of his tounge as if begging me to deepen it, but I sat unflinching. I couldn't move, and I wasn't even sure If I wanted to. He pulled back from me, finally, with an odd choking sound, and his eyes were swimming with unshed tears. He sighed painfully and stood, leaving the room with fast strides as if trying to get away from his failure.  
  
I was struck with this sudden, overpowerful urge to run after him, but my body wouldn't respond to my brain. So, I just turned back to the window.  
  
I feel like shit. He's too good for me.  
  
How do they end it all all those movies? "Goodbye, cruel world?" Cliche, but fitting.  
  
-Duo Maxwell 


	2. Don't You Dare Leave Me

Title: Blood and Roses 2/?  
  
Author: Ashurii (Jisatsu_ganbu on LJ.com aka Celestial_Dragon on FF.net)  
  
E-mail: fudgemonkey@citlink.net  
  
Rating: Erm. R, right now. *evil hentai grin*  
  
Series: Gundam Wing  
  
Pairings: 1+2, 3x4, eventual 1x2x1  
  
Warnings: Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst  
  
Summary: Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
Duo shut his journal with a soft thud, and placed it back into the drawer in his mahogany desk. He had a fleeting urge to throw his blue pen across the room, but didn't have enough strength, so he just let it fall from his hands to the floor. It rolled, but rested next to his feet. He looked down on it, expressionless, then stood abruptly, standing on the pen and grinding it into the floor with the sole of his black boot. He looked to the clock as it flashed the time in green letters. 12:30.  
  
"It's late." Duo whispered. He listened, intently, for any noise from outside his sanctuary. There was none, and he moved to the door, opening and closing it behind him. Down this hall was everyone's bedrooms. Heero's across from his, Trowa's to his right and Quatre's across from Trowa's, and Wufei's next to Trowa's across from the empty "office" room. Around the corner to the left was the hallway that led to the kitchen, and past the kitchen stood the bathroom. His final destination.  
  
The braided man smirked at the simplicity of it. It was as if the house had been floor planned for the purpose of suicide. He glimpsed once more at Heero's slightly ajar door, and moved over to it, pushed it open lightly with his hand and waited for the soft thud as it hit the wall behind it. Heero's room had always been meagerly furnished - a desk with his beloved laptop, a bed, and a dresser. That was all. Duo looked about the walls and realized there were things hanging on the wall across from him. He frowned in contemplation. "Since when did Heero feel the need to decorate?" he thought, and moved silently over to the wall to investigate. His eyes widened and he gasped quietly at his findings.  
  
It was him. Pictures of him. Ten, maybe fifteen, but all of him. Every last picture was lovingly set into a frame and hung neatly on the wall. The subjects were nothing special: Duo eating, Duo sitting in front of the window, Duo sitting at his desk in his room, taken stealthily through the window from the outside of the house. Duo reached up and traced his face in one of the pictures. "Do I really look like this?" he asked himself in disbelief. "So ... emaciated, black circles under my eyes, thin as death ..." He gulped a odd feeling down and turned his back to the wall.  
  
His eyes met Heero. Heero was sleeping on his bed, lounged out and laying on his side, one arm trailing off the bed and almost sweeping the floor. The covers were messed, and he had an odd expression on his face, brows knotted. Duo smiled softly at him, moving to his bedside and crouching near to his face. The boy's messy brown hair was hanging in his face and covering his eyes, and Duo brushed it to the side. It decided to be defiant and slipped back into place, causing Heero to mumble sleepily. Duo chuckled softly, but became abruptly quiet as thought about what he was goint to do, and his eyes saddened. He leaned forward, slow and unsure, and pressed his lips softly to the Asian man's forehead. Heero's brows relaxed for a few brief moments, and as Duo pulled away he seemed to be smiling just slightly. "Goodbye, Heero," Duo whispered, lovingly running his fingers through the boy's unruly locks with a soft smile. "and ... thank you for that love you tried so hard to give me. No matter how misplaced." Duo's face faltered. "You deserve so much better than me." The braided man placed one more kiss on the Asian man, this time on his cheek, and headed out the door on his final mission.  
  
Unbeknownst to him, Heero's eyes fluttered open, and he stared at the ceiling, trying desperately to understand what had just transpired.  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
The braided man sat in a chair in front of the mirror, the sharpened butcher knife he retrieved from the kitchen laid on the counter before him. He turned on the sink, and with shaky hands doused his face with the cool water. His gaze raised back up to the mirror and he looked at himself, face dripping, and had a small attack of concience. "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this," he thought, drying his face with a white fluffy towel, still gazing at himself. "Maybe I should just go back ... No." He declared to himself with unshaking defiance. "This has to be done. It's the only way to make the pain stop." He nodded to himself, but in the back of his mind couldn't help thinking that all this talk was just a sad attempt to reassure himself, tell himself this was the right thing when he really wasn't sure.  
  
But he knew it was far too late for second guesses.  
  
Duo slowly unbraided his hair, letting it fall in waves over his shoulders. He looked at it in his reflection, smiling softly. "My hair ... The only thing I still really love." He whispered, chuckling at the absurdity of it.  
  
"But you love Heero." A small voice called from the back of his mind. He frowned, quelled his thoughts, and looked back at the knife.  
  
He picked up the blade by the black wood handle, and twisted it in the light. No matter how many doubts he had, he would always love the way the light glinted against the cold steel, and love even more the blood glistening in the same way when he was done.  
  
The blade was heavy to him, because he was used to steak knives from all the times he cut before. But, then again, he had never been trying to take his life before, either.  
  
He lifted his bare left wrist in front of him, and looked down at it. There were lots of scars, but all the new "scratches" from a few weeks prior had all but vanished. The new skin was pink and inviting, just begging the sharp blade to be dragged angrily across it. Duo smirked wickedly, and brought the blade down to rest on the afforementioned skin.  
  
"Only a few moments now ..." he wispered between his mad grins. His adrenaline was rushing and his face flushed. He began to press.  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
Heero frowned. "Where in the hell is Duo?" he thought, peering around the boy's darkened room. His bed was made so it was obvious he wasn't asleep yet. Heero's naivete brought forth another thought to him. "Maybe he got hungry. He didn't eat dinner ... He's probably in the kitchen." he affirmed with a nod, and set off down the hall to the kitchen.  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
Duo cried out in a sharp mix of pain and pleasure as the blade sliced his skin. He dragged it, slowly, making a long angry mark down the length of his arm. He stopped just short of the joint, panting, and looked down at his handiwork. His arm was carved pretty badly, the blood bubbled and flowed out of the wound faster than he'd ever seen it before. Duo watched it, entranced, untill his right arm caught his intrest.  
  
He smiled sardonically. "You need a twin ..."  
  
He switched the knife shakily into his other hand, and somehow managed to carve another angry line the same length into his right arm. The pain was equisite; far more intense than the first one had been, pain emanating from both arms. The blood gushed endlessly from his first wound, making the thick puddle of blood underneath him grow larger by the second. Duo dropped the knife, and it clattered angrily to the floor. He slipped slowly from his chair, and laid down on the floor, his hair soaking up the blood as more poured out.  
  
"Goodbye ..." he whispered, eyes slowly beginning to close.  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
Heero peered into the kitchen and frowned at it's lack of his braided love. He heard soft noises from the bathroom, and looked up, confused. He heard another, this time he was sure it was a sharp cry of pain, and realized it was Duo. Heero bolted from the kitchen. "Please, God, let him be alright!" he pleaded, tearing down the hall and throwing open the slightly-ajar door.  
  
"Duo!" he cried, then looked at the floor as his eyes grew wide with horror. Duo's body was crumpled on the floor in a dark pool of blood, the boy's arms out in front of him. Heero could see the angry red lines, blood still bubbling out of the thin white arms. He cried out in anguish, sobs wracking his body, and knelt down to his lover, wiping the blood-stained hair from his face. He started as he realized Duo's eyes were still open, and the boy's gaze managed to fall to him. "D-Duo ... ?" he whispered shakily, running his hand down the bloodstained boy's face.  
  
"Hee ... H-Heero ..."  
  
"Oh, god, Duo!" He cried, sobbing uncontrollably, collapsing and laying his head on the boy's side. "Why? Why would you do this?" In a fit of desperation he tried to cover the wounds with his hands, to make the bleeding stop, but the blood just squirted out around them and between his fingers. He wailed, tears streaming down his face, and turned his gaze back to Duo. The boy looked as shocked as he could look, weak and tired and aching to go to sleep.  
  
"I ... I-Its ... better this way ... Heero ... It is ..."  
  
The Asian man sobbed harder, burying his face in Duo's neck.  
  
"Heero ..." he called softly, trying to turn and see him. "I-m ... no good ... could ... do much better ... than ... me ..."  
  
"No!" He screamed, pulling his face up and gazing angrily at Duo, tears still streaming. "You're the most wonderful, most astounding person I've ever met! You're beautiful and I love you!" Duo looked up at him, eyes wide in shock. "Help!" Heero called out the open door. "Somebody help me, please! Call an ambulance!" He turned his eyes back to Duo as the other members of the house showed up at the door.  
  
"What's happ- Oh my God!" Quatre gasped as he caught sight of Duo and Heero, on the floor. His hand flew to his face and all he could do was make anguished sounds. Trowa took one look at the boy and flew off to the living room to call an ambulance. Wufei stood behind Quatre, dumbfounded, mouth agape, staring at the remnants of his friend on the floor.  
  
"mm ... 'Ro." Duo mumbled, as Heero pulled him up from the floor, snuggling him close to his chest and sobbing into his hair. "m'sleepy ..."  
  
"No, Duo!" Heero gazed into his eyes, stroking his hair, a pleading tone to his voice. "You have to stay with me, keep your eyes open, do you hear me?" Duo couldn't control himself anymore, he felt himself slipping away as the darkness crept in. His eyes closed, and the last thing he saw was Heero's eyes widen, and his lips make the movements of Duo's name. 


	3. A New Awakening

**Title:** Blood and Roses 3/?  
**Author:** Ashurii (Jisatsu_ganbu on LJ.com aka Celestial_Dragon on FF.net)  
**E-mail:** fudgemonkey@citlink.net  
**Rating:** R ... ?  
**Series:** Gundam Wing  
**Pairings:** 1+2, 3x4, eventual 1x2x1  
**Warnings:** Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst, SAPPY SAP  
**Summary:** Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?  
**Notes for this Chapter:** Sappy sap angst-sap! *does the sappy dance* The song in this chapter is Loreena McKennitt's "Moon Cradle." I'd like to pretend Sister Helen was Irish; the thought gives me great amounts of joy. (Hmn ... Joie?) ^_^ Also, thanks be to my beta, Shelayhill. Don't know what I'd do without you!  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
Sleepy violet eyes blinked open, all objects before them washed hazy and blurred at the edges by the drugs in the I.V. drip sticking out of their master's right arm. Duo stared at the needle and tube for a long while, the haze penetrating his brain and making everything hard for him to understand. He wished to pull it out but hadn't the strength so he gave way to just angrily glaring at it. He blinked twice more as things began to focus and looked at his surroundings.  
  
Pristine white and a disgustingly sterile smell. A hospital, no doubt. Duo's mind fought against him - How in the hell did he make it to a hospital? He was dead; he remembered slipping into blackness. A wave of terror gripped him - perhaps this horrible place was heaven! Then, he rationalized and chocked that frivolous thought off to the drug's influence. The long-haired man's eyes raked back down to his limp form under the covers, and he noticed for the first time the white gauze bandages covering his wrists; a long, shaky line of sangoire[1] marring their pristine whiteness. He scowled at them as he realized what had happened, as the hours before his blackout came flooding back to him in a wave of mixed emotion.  
  
"Heero ... "  
  
"... Duo?" a soft voice answered him from across the room, as a familiar jet-black haired head peeked slowly in through the door.  
  
Duo shook his head, the only emotion he seemed to be able to pull off, while somewhere in the back of his mind where the drugs had begun to wear off he was screaming in anger. Duo turned his head to the wall to his left and gave no answer to the Asian boy.  
  
Heero looked down at the floor to hide the impending tears, and as he regained his composure he sat in a chair on the far end of Duo's hospital room, directly across from the bed. They sat in a strained and awkward silence for what seemed like a millennia, until Heero uttered a painful sigh and decided to try again.  
  
"Duo ... I -"  
  
"No." Duo interrupted, voice hoarse from misuse. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you. I want you to leave me the fuck alone." Heero flinched at the harsh words, but gulped and tried for the first time in his life to speak his emotions.  
  
"Duo, please just listen to me." Duo didn't answer, so Heero took a deep breath and silently prayed for once his words wouldn't fail him. "I understand that you would be mad at me -" Duo snorted, annoyed, at this comment, but Heero continued on as if he didn't hear it. "- and I'm not sure I really understand just why, but that's why I'm here. That's why I've always been here - to listen to you." Duo's eyes flicked to Heero's face, but flicked back to the wall as the Asian man realized he was being watched.  
  
"Duo, I don't care if you don't believe me when I say this, but I swear on the parents I never knew that I love you with all my heart. I've loved you for so long, and I just kept pushing it away because I've never felt this way before, and I'll be completely honest with you - this feeling scares the living shit out of me." Duo's face turned to Heero's, a visible feeling of astonishment and confusion gracing his visage. Heero - scared? Impossible! "Through out your recurring cold attitudes, I stuck by you." Heero smiled sadly. "You're my black rose, Duo. Even if you don't realize how wonderful and beautiful you are, just know that I do."  
  
"The others wanted to forcibly check you into a clinic, but I was dead set against it. I thought, at first, that maybe if I showed you as much love as I could it would magically make you all better." Heero laughed mirthlessly, and Duo's eyebrows raised at the sound as the violet-eyed man tried desperately to blame what Heero was saying on the drugs that had already worn off.   
  
"I'm such a fool - I realized that after a few months. But I still kept trying. I suppose then I figured that if I just kept near you, maybe I'd find a way to drag you out of that black hole you dug yourself into. That's why I tried to kiss you that day in front of the picture window in the living room." Duo leaned forward automatically, wondering desperately what Heero's motivations behind those actions had been. He watched, fascinated, as Heero paced nervously back and forth, looking anywhere but at Duo. The Asian man couldn't really love him ... Could he? "I thought maybe if you could feel the love I feel for you through a kiss, then maybe I'd be able to jerk you back into reality long enough to talk you out of it." A flash of confusion crossed Duo's face, and Heero caught it just before it faded away. "I knew you were planning to take your life for a while. I've been reading your journal, Duo."  
  
Duo's mouth dropped open, Heero's admonition shocking him completely. Heero had read ... all of his private thoughts? So many private things, so much blood ...  
  
"I just ..." Heero let out an anguished sigh that twisted at Duo's heart, which in turn angered the long-haired man. Why was he overcome with the overwhelming urge to hold the anguished Asian boy? Why did Heero make him feel so odd, so different than he ever could. Could it be ... Love? "I didn't know what I could do. So I did nothing." He slumped down into his chair again and put his head in his hands. "For all my training, all my knowledge and all my stoicism, I never learned how to stop the person I love from leaving my life forever. And because of that you could be dead right now. It would be my fault, all my fault!" He sobbed hard into his hands, Duo left in a state of shock, mouth agape, from his perch on the bed. Was Heero Yuy truly crying? And ... had he really been the one to make the stoic one cry? "God, Duo," he cried out, bairly audible between his sobs, "I'm so fucking sorry! If I were you I would hate me, too!"  
  
"I don't hate you, Heero." Duo replied almost inaudably, but Heero's sensitive ears picked up the reply effortlessly. Heero raised his head to look into those breathtaking violet eyes, stubborn tears still streaming from his prussian blue eyes, drying in angry lines down his cheeks. "Suffice to say that you utterly confuse me." he added with a dry laugh. The long-haired boy looked up to lock eyes with the other boy, and he smiled through his steadily tearing eyes. "How do you do this to me Heero?" Heero looked confused, and Duo tried to laugh but only managed to choke on a hidden sob. "How do you make me feel so ... so ... " The boy lost all control and began to sob unconsolably into his hands, crying out even harder due to the pain in his arms. Heero rushed forward to force the boys hands back into his lap so he wouldn't tear the fresh stitches out, and crushed the soft body against him, cradling the sobbing boy and rocking him slowly back and forth, whispering sweet words in Japanese into the boys ear.  
  
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]  
  
Duo woke up what seemed like an eternity later, with a pounding headache due to his tears, and an odd feeling of ... serenity. God, it felt so odd. Not good, not bad, just ... odd. He hadn't felt this way in longer than he could remember. He opened his eyes and was met with a dark forest-shade of green. He looked up, confused, into Heero's open blue eyes. He realized Heero was holding him close to his body, keeping his arms level so as not to pull out the stitches, and was stroking his unbound hair softly. The Asian man's forehead was pressed lightly to Duo's and they stared into each other's eyes for a long moment, unblinking, just laying on the bed next to each other.  
  
"I don't know what to do ..." Duo managed to croak out, then peered back at Heero's chest, unable to work his feelings into words. "I mean, what is it we do now?"  
  
"I don't know, Duo. I think that's completely up to you." Heero tilted the long-haired boy's head up to peer into his eyes, violet and prussian searching eachother for any untold emotions. "What is it that you want, Duo?"  
  
"I ..." Duo was at a loss for words, for once in a very long time. He wasn't sure what he wanted. He knew he liked this feeling Heero was giving him right now, but didn't know what he wanted beyond here and this moment. "I want to be happy again."  
  
Heero smiled softly at him, the expression of happiness on Heero's face making Duo smile a soft, genuine smile back at him. "I think that's something you and I could work on together. Don't you?" Duo smiled, nodding softly, then snuggled his head back against Heero's chest. Heero sighed happily, pulling Duo closer.  
  
A song a nun from Duo's childhood used to sing chose that moment to creep back into his memory, and he was struck with this unearthly urge to sing. So he did.  
  
"When the moon-cradle's rocking and rocking  
Where a cloud and a cloud go by  
Silently rocking and rocking  
The moon-cradle out in the sky.  
  
"Then comes the lad with the hazel  
And the folding star's in the rack  
'Night's a good herd' to the cattle,  
He sings, 'She brings all things back.'  
  
"But the bond woman down by the boorie  
Sings with a heart grown wild  
How a hundred rivers are flowing  
Between herself and her child.  
  
"'The geese, even they trudge homeward  
That have their wings and the waste,  
Let your thoughts be on Night the Herder,  
And be quiet for a space.'  
  
"The moon-cradle's rocking and rocking,  
Where a cloud and a cloud go by,  
Silently rocking and rocking  
The moon-cradle out in the sky.  
  
"The snipe they are crying and crying  
Liadine, liadine, liadine  
Where no track's on the bog they are flying:  
A lonely dream will be mine!  
  
"Where no track's on the bog they are flying:  
A lonely dream will be mine ..."  
  
The new-found lovers snuggled into each other, enjoying the warmth as Duo hummed the last bars of the enchanting song. Individually, Heero was enjoying Duo's song, and Duo was enjoying the peaceful feeling now settling into his heart. Both passed into a dreamless sleep, something both had needed for years upon years.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
[1] : From Jacqueline Carrey's "Kushiel" trilogy. A dark red colour, almost black.  



	4. Relapses Can Cause a Sense of Betrayal

Title: Blood and Roses 4/?  
  
Author: Ashurii (Jisatsuganbu on LJ.com aka CelestialDragon on FF.net)  
  
E-mail: fudgemonkeycitlink.net  
  
Rating: R ... ?  
  
Series: Gundam Wing  
  
Pairings: 12, 3x4, eventual 1x2x1  
  
Warnings: Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst, SAPPY SAP  
  
Summary: Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?  
  
Notes for this Chapter: Erm. Relapse-ation? That's about it. Don't think I thought Duo could recover that easily! Ano ... Poor Duo ...  
  
[]  
  
"Erm ... Do you have any 6's?"  
  
Duo shook his head good-naturedly. "Nope. Go Fish."  
  
Duo and Heero had been sitting in Duo's hospital room for what seemed like hours playing card games - but Duo figured that it just felt so long because he hadn't left the room all day.   
  
The doctors insisted that even though Duo was physically well, he still needed some kind of psychiatric help. "You can't just recover from all of that pent-up psychological trauma in one day," they had said to Heero when the man had asked if Duo could be released. They wouldn't even release him into Heero's custody!  
  
So, Duo had to participate in group therapy sessions every day, talk to a psychiatrist every other day, and write down everything he had felt in a journal the psychiatrist, an odd pinkish-red haired woman named Suriah, had provided. The journal was nice enough, flat and binded tight, with an odd naturish-green cover. Duo wrote in it like he was told, hoping every word he added would aid him in obtaining his ticket out of this place. He couldn't understand how he was supposed to do all of this "emotional recooperating" they were always talking about, when the entire being of the place depressed him. The pristine whiteness, the smell of disinfectant, the unhappiness of the other patients - it was downright horrible.  
  
Duo's sessions with the group and his psychiatrist were plodding along nicely, and Heero was glad when the doctors told him his braided lover was making progress. Little did Heero know (or the doctors, for that matter), that Duo was just telling everyone what he knew they wanted to hear. He just wanted out of the hospital - and he'd say anything to prod them to make that decision. Duo felt horrible, felt like he was lying to Heero and ruining their new-found trust, but some odd part of him he had forcibly pushed to the back of his mind kept telling him he didn't care. It was an unnerving feeling, but not so unnerving that he cared enough to bring it to the surface and tell the Japanese boy.  
  
Heero was smiling softly at him; Duo hadn't realized he was zoned out and thinking. "Koibito, what are you thinking about?"  
  
"Hm ... Nothing important." Duo smiled forcibly. "Sorry - just having an odd little moment." A look of concern crossed Heero's face and Duo's grin grew wider. "It's alright, I'm fine, but what do you say to putting the cards away for awhile and cuddling with me?" Heero's face lit up at that and he nodded. Duo smiled forcibly again, glad he had abated that disaster. Duo moved over on the bed and rolled onto his left side. Heero climbed up behind him and wrapped his arms tight around him, nuzzling his face into the crook of Duo's neck and sighing contentdely. Duo smiled just slightly - he really DID care about Heero, really and truly - but something was wrong. He didn't really understand what it was, but he could feel it at the back of his mind like an itch he couldn't scratch. He managed to quell his thoghts long enough to fall into a fitful sleep.  
  
[]  
  
Duo awoke in the middle of the night with the urge to start screaming. Or crying. He figured screaming would alert Heero and the nurses, and he KNEW he didn't want to do that. So he opted for crying. He cried silently in Heero's arms for several minutes, until he decided that the pressures of Heero's arms were disturbing him even more. He lifted the arms from around him, his motions enciting an unhappy groan from the sleeping man, and crept off, still sobbing, into the bathroom.  
  
As soon as he was sure the door was locked behind him and the fan turned on to muffle any sounds, he collapsed to the floor and wailed. He hadn't cried in so long and these feelings felt so built-up and pushed back that he couldn't hold it all in anymore. He was so confuzed - one side of his mind was angry and upset, hating being in this wretched place and hating Heero even more, blaming him for all of these problems he was now having, and even the ones he was having before he cut himself; and the other side was upset at the first, aching to get well and to be with Heero the way Heero wanted him, not understanding why Duo refused to tell the doctors what he was really feeling. Unknowingly, Duo scratched angrily at his wrists as he sobbed, and the angry side of his mind won out, telling him that if he could just make himself bleed again, that everything would get better - that all his choices and problems would be easier to sort out.  
  
Just then, the braided boy had an epiphany - Heero's pocket knife. The Asian boy always carried it with him in case of emergency, had somehow managed to keep the nurses from taking it, and it was slipped into the back pocket of his jeans which were currently lying draped on the back of the extra chair near the door. With help of the doorknob as support, Duo managed to lift himself off the floor, wiping the tears from his face and fighting to keep his sobs silent, and opened the door to step back in the room. Luckily, Heero was still asleep, brows knotted in thought, and Duo let out a pent-up breath to comfort himself. He crept silently to the other end of the room, slipped Heero's pocket knife out of his jeans, and crept back into the bathroom.   
  
Checking again to make sure that the door was locked behind him and the fan on, he sat himself on the seat of the toilet, and peered at the inside of his arms. Duo looked back at the knife, sitting on the edge of the counter next to him, then back to his arms. A flashback of weeks before suddenly hit him, of blood and pain and blissful release, and he smiled. There was no choice to make; he had already made it. He stripped the fresh pieces of gauze off of his scars and threw them angrily to the ground. His tears still slipped down his maliciously-grinning face, and he opened the pocket knife slowly, twisting the blade in the dim bathroom light and watching it glint.   
  
He closed his eyes, lowered the knife, and began to press. Hard. He cried out, then bit his lip angrily, knowing if he cried out too hard he would be heard over the fan. He traced the scarred lines, and his eyes widened in surprise as the blood gushed out faster than he had remembered. Duo chuckled softly at the deep crimson colour, then paled as his chuckle evolved into a low laugh, and threw all reason to the wind as he began to laugh louder and louder. At this point he could have cared less if his own mother had walked in on him, he would still be laughing like a maniac. He stopped abruptly, feeling dizzy, and tried in vain to focus as the room spun.   
  
The braided man heard the door handle rattle. Someone was calling his name. Two voices ... "Who cares, right? All that matters is this blade ..." Duo thought mirthlessly, staring at the blade now laying on the floor. Funny, he didn't remember dropping it. Now someone was pounding against the door - only one voice now. Duo tried hard to collect his thoughts. Where had the other voice gone? His eyes started to close and he slipped from his pearch on the toilet seat to hit the ground. Everything was suddenly bathed in light, and someone was sobbing, calling his name.  
  
"I'm so sorry ..." Duo whispered, one last sob wracking his body before he fell into blackness.  
  
[]  
  
Heero sat, motionless, staring at Duo's unmoving form in the bed, tears rolling down his cheeks. He could care less about them - he could have sworn he wasn't feeling. If anything, he felt numb.   
  
Duo had been out for several days. They had to pump several packets of blood back into his body for his heart and other organs to begin to work at their normal speed again. God, that night had been horrible. He had screamed for the nurse when he realized the door was locked, and she yelled for Duo to open the door when she got there. When he didn't, she tore out of the room at top-speed to fetch the skeleton key so they could get in. Heero was sobbing - somewhere in the back of his mind he knew what Duo was doing in there, but his concious mind refused to believe it untill the Nurse came back with the key and opened the door.  
  
Heero sighed, slow and painful, as he closed his heavy, bloodshot eyes. Suriah had raised hell when it was revealed that the knife was Heero's. First, to the nurses, wondering why they hadn't taken it away, and then to Heero, enraged that he would even bring a sharp object near a recovering self-mutilation victim. Heero had been so upset, in a mix of sorrow and anger and betrayal, that he couldn't help snapping back at her. He told her none of this would have happened if she had just been doing her god damn job - he thought Duo was getting all better. Maybe the problem wasn't that Heero was harboring a weapon, maybe it was this hospital and all their fucking staff. Suriah had paled, blinking and gaping at him. He told her to get the hell out before he slapped her. She did.  
  
He'd never threatened anyone with bodily harm since the war, and for some odd reason he felt no remorse for doing so this time - he almost felt empowered, and odd sort of serenity falling over him as he unwittingly reverted back to his "wartime mode."  
  
Heero reached out a trembling hand and swiped his index finger lovingly across Duo's cheek. "Why?" He whispered, passively watching Duo breathe. "Why?I thought -" Heero choked on a sob he was trying to quell back into his chest. "-I thought ... I thought you loved me as much as I love you!" Heero gave up trying to maintain his stoic attitude, and fell, crumpled, over Duo's resting form, sobbing for all his worth. 


	5. Leaving You Behind

I've decided that the official song for this ficcy is "Pictures of You," by the Cure. I saw teh Robert on Fuse last night!   
  
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Sally's black heels clicked noisily as she made her way down the hall to her new patient's room. Truth be told, after Heero had yelled at Suriah (scaring the woman enough to ask to be taken off as Duo's doctor) she was quite afraid of sticking her head into their business so soon. But, after the meeting she had just had with the other psychiatrists working in her wing of the hospital, she knew it was necessary. The thought of Heero's knife came back to her and she stopped abruptly - If the man was paranoid enough to carry around a knife with him, what else could he possibly have on him? She shook her head and kept walking - the boy may be upset, but he wasn't crazy enough to try and attack her, even though he had threatened her, too, before.   
  
Of course, she had to tell her supervisor about that unpleasant encounter, which only spurred him to want to stop her from being Duo's doctor, and see to it that Heero got some kind of "anger management" help. She assured him it wasn't necessary, and knew she could do some real good in helping Duo, maybe even put him on the path to getting better.  
  
That is, if Heero wasn't around anymore.  
  
She rounded the corner and slowly opened the door, sighing when she found the room's occupants unchanged since her customary visit yesterday: Duo was still out, though by the way his heartbeat patterns were registering on the monitor, she could guess that he was awake but refusing to let Heero know it - even more proof to support Sally's theory; Heero was staring straight ahead at the wall, motionless and unblinking, looking as if he had slipped into a coma himself if not for his occasional blinking.  
  
Sally sighed. This was going to be harder than she thought.   
  
She knocked politely on the door, one hand still on the doorknob, and looked expectanly at Heero. He lazily lifted his head to see who it was, and upon noticing her let his head flop back into place, waving a hand in a gesture that said, "Do whatever it is you came to do."  
  
"Actually," she whispered softly, not wanting to disturb her patient, "I wanted to have a few words with you. If you'd follow me to the reception room... ?" She gestured down the hall in the direction of the room she was refering to. Heero quirked an eyebrow at her, then cast a worried glance at Duo. "Don't worry, he'll be fine for a few moments. He needs his rest." Sally cast the Asian man a pleading glance, and he nodded once in acknowledgement, rising to follow her. She took her cue and turned, walking down the hall, knowing he was following her. She opened the door to the room to allow him inside, and he nodded his thanks, entering the room with downcast eyes. Sally sighed, rubbing her temples. This is going to be much harder than I thought.  
  
The Asian man had taken a seat on a plush-lined chair on the left side of the room. Sally grabbed a similar chair from the same wall, and placed it a respectable distance in front of his. She sat facing him, trying not to notice the indifferent stare he was giving her.   
  
"Heero," She began, folding her hands in her lap and trying to come up with an easy way to break her news to the bruised and close to breaking man before her. "I know this is going to be hard for you to take, and even harder for you to understand, but you must believe me - this is for the best." Heero was peering at her with a confused look but said nothing, only waiting for her to continue her sentence. "You need to leave the hospital."  
  
Heero blinked in confusion. "Well," he began in a low, craked voice. "for how long? I mean, do you want me to go out and do some errands for awhile? What time should I be back?"  
  
Sally smiled sympathetically. "No, Heero. I need you to leave permanently - until he's better."  
  
His eyes grew wide as she spoke, and his mouth opened in protest, but Sally raised a hand to stop him.  
  
"Now, Heero," She began. "I know you don't like this idea, but you must believe me when I say this is for the best. You have to face the facts: Duo just isn't getting any better here. No matter what you say, you know truly that it isn't the fault of the staff, nor am I saying it's your fault. But I am saying that your presence here isn't exactly helping."  
  
"How can you say that?" Heero growled, his anger flashing through his eyes. "I love him so much, I wouldn't do anything to keep him from getting better! All I want is for him to be well again!"  
  
She held up a hand again to stop him from going on a rant, surprised at her own self control. "I know you're not, Heero. I'm not saying that at all."  
  
"Then ... what do you mean?"  
  
"In your presence, Duo sees his way out of what he percieves as a troubling situation. By pleasing you, he makes sure we see him acting as if he's happier. By pleasing you, when I read his journal all I read about is how you love him and are helping him get better. Duo writing things like that isn't telling me anything - in fact, his entries are just proving a tried and true theory about patients not only in Duo's situation, but also substance abusers and persons with anger problems: said patients cannot possibly get better unless they choose to do so themselves."   
  
"So ..." Heero gazed at her, unwanting to believe what she was trying to say to him. "You ... don't think he wants to get better?"  
  
Sally cocked her head to the side in thought. "Well, I personally think that in the back of his mind he really wants to, but when you feel completly lost you fear change above all else, and I think if he was released into your custody anytime soon, he would just cut himself again. And next time, he may not pull through."  
  
She saw she was begining to get through to Heero, and decided to take a chance. Sally knew Heero was a proud man, and hitting him where it hurt would definitely get him to give up and agree with her. She only hoped she wasn't rashly judging him - if her plan backfired, he could become angry enough to check Duo out of the hosptial within the hour, and that wouldn't benefit anyone.  
  
"You didn't honestly think he was getting better after only two days of being in the hosptial, did you?"  
  
Heero dropped his eyes to the floor and Sally bit her lip, hating herself for doing what she had just done. Please, Heero,she pleaded in thought, just agree with me.  
  
" ... Do you swear to me that you think this is the best for him?" he asked, never raising his eyes from the floor. "If I leave and he just gets worse-"  
  
"I can honestly say to you that he will have to get worse before he gets better." Heero looked at her, disbelieving. She smiled softly. "If you truly think you've seen him hit 'rock bottom,' as they call it, I'm positive you shouldn't be here - for your own sake. Just be glad he's not a junkie, because this process would be so much harder for him." Heero smiled - he realized she was just poking fun at him to make up for how she had jabbed him earlier.   
  
Heero wrung his hands. "If... Will you... ?"  
  
Sally smiled, understanding his dilemma. "As soon as he starts to get better, he'll be allowed to call you if he wants to, and will be allowed to take calls if you want to talk to him. But, only on the condition that you give him complete space and freedom for as long as I deem he needs it. What he needs the most is to be isolated. Trust me, Heero." she added, pleading with him. He looked up into her eyes, and she saw he finally understood.  
  
"Can I... say goodbye?"  
  
"Of course," Sally said reassuringly. "Go get your things together, say goodbye, and I'll have one of the orderlies bring around your car. Alright?" Heero nodded stiffly. He was taking this hard but was trying to be strong; for Duo, no doubt. There was no question - this boy loved him, and would do anything for him ... even leave him. Sally had to admire that kind of devotion.   
  
[]  
  
Duo had long since been sitting up, wondering where Heero had disappeared off to. The boy hadn't left his side since he had cut himself again, and he had begun to get used to the boy's presence. As soon as he had realized the boy was gone he had woken up. Sally hadn't checked in for her usual visit, and that worried Duo, as well. If he wasn't able to get his daily schmoozing session in, he was sure she would be bugging him constantly for a few days - she always did.  
  
Just at that moment, Heero walked briskly into the room. Duo was about to make a comment, but realized Heero looked... different somehow. Driven with purpose, that's what it was. But what was it he had to do? Duo watched him silently for a few moments as he gathered his things together. He watched the Asian boy put on his shoes, which made Duo a bit uneasy, then watched as he put on his jacket, and Duo finally became alarmed - What in the hell was going on? Where was Heero going?  
  
"... Heero?"  
  
Heero turned slowly to look into Duo's confused face, and the braided man saw the tears welled up in his eyes. "Where... What's going on, Heero?" He asked, his voice taking on a worried tone as he sat up further in bed. Heero gulped, his bottom lip quivering.  
  
"I .. I have... G-Goodbye, Duo." Heero forced himself to turn his head, look straight in front of him, take a deep breath and walk right out the door.  
  
"Heero?! HEERO?!" Duo called after him, trying desperatly to get out of the bed, to go after him. Heero walked as fast as his legs would carry him, crying silently the whole way, listening to Duo scream his name.  
  
"HEERO!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
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... Oh my god, I'm so horrible. --; Feedback is craved - Comments? Questions? Flames? () Comment or Email )   
  
Gah! runs off before everyone attackles her 


	6. The Soldier Heals

**Title:** Blood and Roses 6/?  
**Author:** Ashurii (Jisatsuganbu on aka CelestialDragon on )  
**E-mail:**   
**Rating:** Erm. R, right now. evil hentai grin  
**Series:** Gundam Wing  
**Pairings:** 12, 3x4, mention of past 5xM  
**Warnings:** Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst  
**Summary:** Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?  
**Notes for this chappie:** And here marks the beginning of the recovery, people, if only for Heero in this chapter. Figuring that Duo's will take longer, and being that he's being stubborn (--;), Heero will be the first to begin to mend.  
  
Also, thank you to everyone who's been reviewing me: Ryoko21, Vastulja Sata Menton, priscel, Weissangel24, tymeria, Chiisa Neko, Joy2, Foxhiei, Kitty Kat 0303, camillian, lonelyragdoll13, Cinnamin911, ShinigamiPhoenix, MidnightShade3, Tymeria, Sarah, meesa, and Rose! I really appreciate all of your feedback - what you liked, didn't, if I'm doing a good job - feedback and criticism is always appreciated! beams and is generally happy  
  
[]  
  
Heero slowed considerably to turn into the driveway of their shared house. He stopped to peer at himself in the mirror. _I look like shit._ He thought, running a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath, and prepared to meet the people he'd been skillfully avoiding since Duo went into the hospital.  
  
It wasn't that he didn't want help from his friends - lord knows he'd need it now - but having them around made him feel awkward. Quatre was always trying to reassure him nothing was his fault, Wufei gave them both blank stares, and Trowa seemed to be there only for Quatre's benefit. He knew it was callous of him to think such things of his friends, but he now realized what it was he really wanted - to be alone with Duo. It had nothing to do with them, only his own selfishness. He felt horrible for feeling that way, and even more horrible for telling them to stay away, and had pondered over how to make amends with them the entirety of the long drive.  
  
Heero absently wandered out of the car, deep in thought, forgetting to lock it. He scratched at his scalp as he walked, wondering what he could possibly say to make amends. As he reached the door his left hand slowly moved out to turn the knob but before he could reach it it flew open before him. He blinked as Quatre filled his vision, expression first confused and then excited.  
  
"Oh! Heero!" Quatre smiled, turning behind him to shout into the house. "Hey, everyone! Heero's back from the hospital!" Heero blinked absently, confused, as his blonde friend grabbed him by the upper arm and ushered him in.  
  
"... How did you know-"  
  
"Oh, Sally called and told us you'd be coming," Quatre interrupted, dragging Heero over to the kitchen table, where he pushed him down into a sitting position in one of the chairs. "You sit here. I'll get you something to drink."  
  
Heero sat dumbfounded for several moments, unable to understand why Quatre was being so nice to him after how he had treated them all. A moment later Quatre was shoving a mug of warm herbal tea into Heero's hands. He sat down in the seat across from Heero with a cup of his own, looking his Japanese friend in the eyes. He smiled warmly. "Heero - Don't worry about it."  
  
Heero continued to just stare - nothing seemed to be clicking.  
  
Quatre noticed and reached forward to pat his friend on the hand. "We all knew how upset you were and how much stress you were under. I also knew that Duo needed a lot of time to work through all of his demons - and if anyone in this house could be there for him it would have been you." Quatre smiled, picking up his own mug of tea off of the table and taking a slow sip. He set it back down and made a point of looking Heero in the eyes. "We've all had no problem stepping back and allowing you to do what you could."  
  
Heero's eyes dropped to his lap. "But, I couldn't even do anything. I just ... made it worse."  
  
Quatre smiled sympathetically. "You have to trust me, Heero - that boy really does care about you - but in his current condition, I seriously doubt he'd trust his own mother." He noticed Heero opening his mouth in retort, but Quatre held up a hand with a soft smirk. "I'm quite aware Duo has no mother - at least, none we're aware of - it's just an expression." He watched Heero frown ever so slightly, a crease forming between his eyebrows. "Everything will work out just fine for Duo. He's getting all the help he could ever need. He'll get better soon; I'm sure of it." The blonde-haired man stood, setting his mug on the counter, and turned back to Heero to give him a reassuring smile, before departing off into the darker corners of the house. "But, in the meantime, we're all here to help you get better."  
  
Heero smiled in spite of himself. _Perhaps this won't be as hard as I thought it would be ... _  
  
[]  
  
Duo sat in his hospital bed, arms folded in a mock tantrum. Where the hell had he screwed up? How had the doctors caught on? When Heero had left him in his room alone, he was afraid, but a smug little voice in the back of his mind was telling him the Japanese man would come back. He always came back.  
  
Minutes turned into hours, and hours turned into days. Heero wasn't coming back. He was angry in the beginning, throwing his bedding and pillows - anything he could reach - to ease his anger, this feeling of betrayal. Then the deep depression came back, but it had changed in a weird way, a way Duo was having problems describing. It wasn't the way it was before, it seemed darker, scarier. He looked at Heero's empty chair, and instead of feeling that same emptiness inside of himself, the one he was so used to, he was filled with ... regret? Anguish? Woe?  
  
It had been so long since Duo had felt those feelings so pure and unmixed - He wasn't really sure if he even could anymore, which just made him more confused.  
  
He sighed, leaning back into his pillows and stared at the wall before him. _What am I going to do? I was so sure I'd be able to get the hell out of here ... How am I going to get out now?_  
  
"Well, you could start by admitting you have a problem."  
  
Duo turned abruptly toward the voice, clasping his hand over his mouth, shocked that he had admitted those thoughts out loud. He saw Sally leaning casually on the door frame with a soft smirk on her face. He scowled at her, pulling his blankets up to his chin and slinking down underneath his covers. Duo hated how she was looking at him, like she knew he'd be feeling this way. He hated himself even more.  
  
The chestnut-haired man watched as the doctor made her way around the room, never taking her eyes off of him, and sat down in Heero's now vacant chair. This made Duo scowl even deeper, his violet-blue eyes flashing from anger. Sally seemed oblivious to his glares, and stared at him with an indifferent gaze, hear head cocked to one side.  
  
"You know why you're here, Duo. You need help."  
  
"I'm here because you sent him away! I was fine until you made him leave! It's all your fault!" he growled at her, glaring fit to kill. Sally just stared back with a soft look of amusement.  
  
"Duo," she began, her voice firm but still soft. "He left because he knew you weren't being helped with him here as a distraction. We both know all the things you've been writing in your journal and telling the other doctors have been lies." She rose from her seat noticing the quick flashes of shock across Duo's visage and moved her chair closer to Duo's bed. He shrunk back as she leaned in closer.  
  
"Now." Her voice became hard, all question of her amusement gone. "You have two options. One: you admit you need help and the staff and I here at this hospital will do any and everything we can to help you onto the road to recovery. Two: You sit here, refuse help, and rot in that bed. Because you're not going anywhere else.  
  
The braided man stared at her, shocked. "You ... You can't do that!"  
  
Sally smirked. "We can do whatever we want. You signed a release stating that you were to be kept here until a third party - namely, Heero - signed you out. He has given me full responsibility for you **in writing** to take over and now be the one that is in charge of your release. Heero himself insists you not leave until you're well."  
  
Duo was dumbfounded. Heero ... Heero wanted him to stay in this place? Why? The Asian man had just left him here. And if he didn't do what they said he'd never get out of here? He'd have to stay here until the end of his days? What had he done to deserve this?  
  
Sally's face fell slightly as she saw the look that was crossing Duo's face. She knew it would be hard for him to understand, but considering his denial she didn't think it would hit this hard. She realized she was right as Duo's expression hardened again into one of anger.  
  
"I'm fine." He stated powerfully, bordering on an angry yell. "There's nothing wrong with me. I want to leave, I want to go home. You can't keep me here!"  
  
"Oh, can't I?" She retorted, glaring back at her defiant patient. "Either you get help or you don't. It's no problem to me if you want to act like a spoilt brat and act as if nothing is wrong and just go back to hurting yourself. It's my job to make sure you get better, and **god damn it** I will help you if it's the last thing I do!" She stalked to the door, pausing momentarily in the door frame to throw one more retort at her angered patient before leaving. "No matter how long it takes."  
  
Duo glared as the door slammed shut, ultimately perturbed and also quite a bit unnerved at how this entire event was turning out. "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Heero ... Why the fuck did you do this to me?!"  
  
[]  
  
Heero's eyes jerked open abruptly, and he looked around at his surroundings with confusion. As he sat up his muscles tensed and he was reminded of what had happened in the hours before he had slept. He recalled his conversation with Quatre as he spied his now cold mug of tea. Heero realized he had fallen asleep at the table, arms crossed under his head as a makeshift cushion. He groaned, stretching, as his bones popped in and out of place affording him some comfort. He hadn't slept in days, and he enjoyed the relief the brief rest had afforded him.  
  
As the Japanese man sat his melancholy slipped back over him as flashes of Duo filled his mind. He was torn between being upset over not being near him, and being happy over the truth in Sally's words: Duo would definitely get better now. Heero knew in his mind that his not being there would certainly help - he'd come to terms with having to leave the only person he'd ever cared about on such short notice.  
  
He'd come to terms with it. It didn't mean he was enjoying it.  
  
Heero still felt wary over leaving Duo behind without so much as an explanation. All he could force himself to say was goodbye - he knew there was no way he'd be able to survive without that little bit of comfort. On his way back down the hall to Duo's room he had tried desperately to organize all of his thoughts, to come up with some speech he could say to Duo to make him understand. He didn't particularly like leaving Duo at Sally's ministrations for the explanation but as he thought it over he decided it may have been for the best. Sally's brash nature and straightforward way of speaking would hopefully get through to Duo better than Heero's words had.  
  
Hopefully.  
  
Heero sighed and ran a hand through his chocolate-brown hair. He heard a noise in the hall and saw Quatre lingering in the doorway to the kitchen. The blonde Arabian gave him a small smile, then turned and motioned behind him. As he walked into the kitchen the other two pilots followed. Heero sighed again. _"I'm not sure if I'm ready for this ..."_ he thought, trying to resist giving in to the urge to flee from the situation.  
  
The three pilots sat at the table around him. Heero peered at each one in turn as all eyes locked on him. Eventually, he gave in, sighing and looking down at his lap.  
  
"Heero," Quatre began, "I can feel how hard this is for you, but believe me when I say that we're all here for you." He motioned at the two silent pilots as they nodded in agreement.  
  
"I ... thank you all for your concern," Heero began slowly, fighting hard to keep the bitter sarcasm out of his voice but failing miserably. "But I hardly believe that any of you could possibly understand how I feel. From what I recall, the loves of your lives have never repeatedly tried to kill themselves to get away from you."  
  
Quatre winced at Heero's tone and Trowa cast the Asian man a sharp look. He understand his Japanese friend was having problems but that was no reason to be rude to those trying to help; especially when his own lover was involved. Quatre laid a hand on Trowa's arm, causing the silent man to cast him a questioning look. Quatre shook his head, as if to say, "Please don't. I can handle this - I know he doesn't mean what he's saying."  
  
The blonde man opened his mouth to speak, but Wufei was the first to answer, his tone holding enough bite to rival Heero's. "Well you have never held the love of your life in your arms as she died, so don't you dare tell me I do not understand this pain that you are feeling."  
  
Heero blinked. He had never heard that before ... sure, bits and pieces about his wife, Meilan, but he also remembered being told it was an arranged marriage. He never stopped to think that perhaps Wufei had loved her. Heero bowed his head in defeat, eyes sliding shut, and Wufei nodded in acceptance.  
  
"Please, Heero," Quatre tried again, casting a sympathetic glance at Wufei. "You know in your heart we're only here to help you. I do understand that you think your feelings should be kept inside of you until you know how to deal with them - but I can tell you that's not healthy." Quatre reached across the narrow table to pat the top of Heero's hand, causing the Japanese man to open his eyes and look up at the blonde. Quatre smiled softly at him. "Maybe if you tell us everything you're feeling we'll be able to, at the very least, help you sort through it all."  
  
Trowa nodded in agreement to his lover's statement. "Also, Heero," he spoke softly as he normally did, his calm nature hiding whatever he may have been feeling at the moment. "I can tell you for a fact that Duo isn't doing this to get away from you. You and I both know that has nothing to do with it. I believe Sally has talked to you about all this already?"  
  
Heero nodded. "Yes ... but at the time I dismissed all her information. I didn't want to hear it. I honestly didn't think she was helping." His head sunk lower. "I never even thought that it might be me ..."  
  
Wufei draped a comforting arm around Heero's shoulders and Heero managed a soft upward quirk of the lips to show his gratitude. "I'm ... sorry, everyone." Heero managed weakly, his eyes dropping to the shiny finish of the table. "I'm sorry for everything ..."  
  
"There's no need." Quatre replied with a flippant gesture. "All of that is in the past. We're here to listen now - that's all that matters. Please, Heero. Tell us everything." The three sat forward in their seats, Quatre with his arms folded across one another on the table, Trowa with a comforting arm around Quatre's waist, and Wufei with his elbow on the table, face resting in his hand. His easygoing gesture did little to hide the concern in his eyes that even Heero couldn't miss.  
  
The Japanese took a deep breath and prepared to divulge his heart and soul - one of the hardest things he found he'd ever have to do.  
  
[]  
  
Duo lay in the dark room, blankets kicked down to the end of the bed and shivering. He could feel the cold so deep it was as if it were in his bones, but his mind was elsewhere. He felt like his thoughts were racing a million miles a minute, but never stopping on anything he felt was important. He sighed, flopped over on his side and looked out the window. It was raining again. He vaguely remembered it had been showering on and off lately, but with all this diversion he was doing had done nothing more than divert himself from the truth.  
  
The part that hurt the most was that Heero himself had agreed to leaving. He couldn't blame it on Sally anymore, couldn't say that Sally had kicked him out and was somehow keeping him away. Every doctor, nurse, and receptionist he had talked to echoed the same statement: Heero had left of his own volition. Looking troubled, yes, but still of his own free will. Duo sighed again flopping onto his back and stared at the tiles on the ceiling.  
  
"Maybe Sally's right ... Maybe Heero's right ..." he whispered to the darkness as he focused on the pockmarks in the styrofoam tiles. "Maybe I really do need help ..."  
  
He rolled onto his stomach, face pressed into his pillow, deciding he was far too tired to be staying up and thinking. His mind was refusing to obey his body's need for sleep, so all he managed was a deep sigh muffled into a soft noise of disappointment by the pillow.  
  
After both Sally and Duo had calmed down, Sally came back to outline his situation if he chose to allow her to help. He wouldn't have any contact outside of the hospital for three months, then if he was making good progress he would be able to receive phone calls - if he wanted them, that was. These calls would be kept to a small, strict number a week, so as not to encourage dependency. Then, as things progressed, he would be allowed to call outside of the hospital himself ... within reason, of course. He had to admit that he did enjoy the small amounts of freedom and choice she was awarding him. Not many people had given him even that in his life and no matter how much he procrastinated he was thankful for that small deviation of comfort in this troubling situation.  
  
She told him eventually, when we was very close to being better, she'd allow people to come see him. Duo had to admit to himself right then and there that it was something he would like to look forward to. Seeing his friends would mean a lot to him, even if he couldn't allow himself to show it. Seeing Heero on the other hand ... Duo still had mixed feelings on the man. He couldn't tell when he looked into those deep-blue eyes whether or not he wanted to jump into his arms or stab him through the skull. It unnerved him how his emotions contrasted, but that persistent little voice in the back of his head kept warranting Heero as a threat.  
  
He wasn't sure if he wanted to listen to that little voice anymore. As he analyzed it, that little voice hadn't awarded him any real comfort besides the temporary comfort of cutting: He had landed himself in this place, his friends had deserted him ...  
  
Duo turned on his side again to face the door this time. A small crack of light filtered in from the dimly lit hallway. He could hear one of the female nurse's heels clicking against the polished floor and it soothed him somewhat. He felt his eyes droop as his brain began to give in to sleep.  
  
He'd see what Sally could do about that voice in the morning. Maybe her opinion and her expertise really were worth listening to ...  
  
[]  
  
Heero clenched and unclenched his hands beneath the table, biting his lip as he tried his hardest to come up with a way to tell his friends the basics of what he was feeling and still keep some of it hidden. He wasn't the person who would readily spill their heart, even if it was to his close friends, and he was having troubles even admitting that he was feeling anything at all. He idly wondered if this was part of Duo's problem, but decided to brush it off - he didn't need to be adding more pain to the current situation by thinking of his braided love.  
  
Quatre was watching him very carefully, the way his muscles were tensing, the small lines of frustration forming between his eyes - he knew Heero was trying to come up with a way to hide things from them. What made Heero think they wouldn't notice? Did he hope they wouldn't press the issue? Quatre began to have doubts; perhaps they should leave Heero be for the night, he had been through a lot ...  
  
Trowa noticed his lover's inner struggle and laid a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. The barest hint of a smile, more of a quirking up of the ends of the lips, crossed his face and Quatre felt at ease. He loved how Trowa could make him feel so good. Quatre was assaulted suddenly by a flood of anger and hate, and was at first thrown back into a state of shock at the sudden influx of emotion in the room. At first, the blonde man couldn't tell where the emotions were coming from, but the soft sniffling noises from across the table dispelled any confusion in his mind.  
  
Heero was crying.  
  
The blonde Arabian rose from his seat to close his arms around his Asian friend as he sobbed harder. Quatre figured his presence had something to do with Heero's current emotions, due to the power of the emotion he had felt, but felt the most amazing urge to do anything he could to comfort his friend.  
  
Heero felt angry and forlorn. He could see how happy his friends were together, how they enjoyed leaning on each other when they needed support. Even Wufei in his own quiet scholarly way was happy. Heero just felt alone. He felt like he was loving someone that may never be able to love him back. A flood of thoughts assaulted his mind: _If Duo was pretending to love me to please the doctors, does that mean he doesn't care about me in that way at all? Would he just use me? Am I killing myself over someone who may very well be laughing at my frailty behind my back? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what my friends have? I've killed, I've sinned, I've lied and stolen - I'd done everything in that damn war. The same as the people here holding and comforting me. So why don't I deserve what they've found? Why don't I deserve to be normal? To be loved? To be happy?_  
  
The Japanese man sobbed harder as the other pilot's arms slipped silently around him in a comforting hug. No matter how much Heero pushed him away, one fact would always ring true: Heero's friends loved him and would do anything to help him in this most frail and angst-ridden time in his life.  
  
[]  
  
dabs eyes with kleenex  
  
That didn't end exactly has how I'd planned, but I think I like this ending better. I didn't really think Heero would be open to talking quite so soon. Crying - yes. Talking - no. ;  
  
Lemme know what you all think! 


End file.
